Photograph by the Lapis Pig himself and composited by Richard Wheeler www.gardenofparadise.net
Arrived at last in 2009: the Lapis Pig Memorial Statue symbolizing the gold we all crave, overlooking (and dominating) the village of Vilcabamba! A capitalist's dream come true! A monument to our greedy past and present, in commemoration of the fearless leadership of Dick Cheney, Alan Greenspan, Hank Paulson, Timothy Geithner and many more notables from Wall Street and the military-industrial complex---exemplary implementers of lapis pig consciousness looking after the welfare of all humanity, pigs and nature!
Boring Bugle Alert!
Boaring Bugle Alert!
Lapis Pig Statue Burns to the Ground!
Pig Collects $235.2 Billion from AIG Fire Insurance Sector but Squeals about Paying over $50 Billion in deductibles.
Vilcabamba (PP), Nov. 16, 2009. The 100-meter high statue of the lapis pig, a favorite landmark overlooking the Yamburara Valley near Vilcabamba, Ecuador, was destroyed last Saturday by a fire that engulfed the entire mountain it stands on.
Once a lush, wooded green mountain, the imposing Nanaro was blackened by a wind-fueled, smoke-choking day of reckless incineration that got out of control after a farmer was burning brush in a small field.
“We had some tense moments when the inferno threatened the village of Vilcabamba,” said one eyewitness.
“This is an outrage!” declared the lapis pig. “Not only have we lost the most important landmark in the area (snort),” he said, “the insurance moneys I will collect and guard are less than I had before the fire.”
The disputed 20% deductible from the value of the statue, set at $287 billion based on a credit default swap contract collected from the AIG insurance giant, appears to have been “irretrievably lost.”
The lapis pig had intended the statue to be a reminder that, throughout the world, “capitalism rules! (snort),” in the pig’s own words.
The lapis pig’s quest to become the world’s first trillionaire is now threatened by the pig’s requirment to pay the over $50 billion deductible in his fire insurance policy with AIG, according to his lawyers and accountants.
“Whatever the outcome of the statue project (snort),” mused the lapis pig in a press conference, “my next move will be to drill for oil and to log and mine the Amazon rainforest. In that way (snort), I will still be guarding the world’s largest treasury.”
The pig will try to take out a $40 billion loan from the World Bank to begin his drilling project, which he believes “will create an economic renaissance from the oil, mining and logging projects that will reach throughout the Amazon basin (snort, snort).”
When asked about replacing the statue, the lapis pig answered, “the next one will be made of solid lapis lazuli—it’s fireproof (snort).”
Some experts have calculated that all the lapis mines and quarries in Afghanistan would not have nearly enough of the precious stone to build such a statue. “No problem (snort),” quipped the lapis pig. “Why do you think we have troops there? (snort, snort).”
He also offered an undisclosed reward to obtain Osama bin Laden’s private lapis lazuli collection.
“My next project (snort),” the pig continued, “will be to build the Podocarpus Freeway alongside my new Yamburara 54-hole golf course and condominium development (snort). We’ll also get to mine gold in the Andes further in and cut through them as the gateway to the riches of the Amazon (snort, snort).”
“For once,” the pig added, “we can make some monetary sense here by exploiting the resources for whatever they’re worth, while we can still do it (snort, snort).”